


Caught

by Cold Lightning (ArticNight)



Series: It gets better [5]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Caught, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:46:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4351112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArticNight/pseuds/Cold%20Lightning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry is struggling more so then before and he really needs help, but he can't bring himself to actually call one of the rouges.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caught

Once again Barry found himself sitting in front of a knife. The difference was he didn’t even bother to pull out his cell phone and he was at STAR labs instead of some random place or even his home. His eyes were burning from tears he refused to shed. The blade rested against his forearm. Barry didn’t make a move to press deeper but he didn’t pull it away either. He wanted to, god he _wanted_ to. Though each time he went to do drag the blade across his skin he would feel Lisa hugging him or hear Mick’s voice or he would see Len’s soft smile and then he would remember Iris, Eddie, Joe, his dad, Caitlin and Cisco, Oliver, Felicity, Diggle and Roy. It made him stop. His hands shook as he tried to both push it and pull away, knuckles white with his struggle. Everything hurt though. His body ached from where Grodd had been tossed him through several walls and used him as a human punching bag. Luckily Oliver had already been on his way to speak with him and Caitlin had contacted Ronnie. It was just another reminder that he wasn’t good enough. That he wasn’t strong enough, never _fast_ enough. His heart ached as he thought about Bette and Eddie and his mother and even Tony and Farooq. A choked sob tore itself from Barry’s throat as he thought of Dr. Well- no- _Eobard_ had said. This whole mess, everyone who died or was tortured… it was all his fault. If he had died that night instead of his mother his family would be safe, his friends wouldn’t have had such awful things happen to them and maybe the accelerator wouldn’t have actually exploded. He should have been the one to die.

“Barry?” a voice broke him from his thoughts. Cold fear washed over him as he looked up to see Felicity standing there in shock.

“Hey Felicity did you find-” and there was Iris. She looked in confusion before the whole thing seemed to click in.

“DAD!” she screamed as she ran over. Barry didn’t move as his sister ripped the knife away. Everything just felt fuzzy. He barely registered Joe bolting in with the others on his heels, all looking for some threat.

“Iris what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Dad.” Iris’ voice cracked from where she clutched Barry’s hands.

“Felicity?” Oliver turned to the other woman.

“B-Barry… he...he had t-the knife.” distress was clear in her voice as well.

“He promised.” Iris cried before turning back to Barry, “You _promised_. You told me y-you wouldn’t-” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Barry… were you going to self-harm?” In that moment Barry loved Caitlin. It was obvious she was worried but she managed to stay professional, she didn’t panic like Iris or Felicity did. Knowing his silence would be enough of an answer Barry just continued to look down at his arm and think about how disappointed Lisa was going to be.

“Come on Iris.” Eddie pulled Iris away as Cisco and Ronnie did the same with the still shocked Felicity. Two pairs of hands were pulling him up, guiding him from the isolated room to the medical bay. Dr. Stein stood near Ronnie as Eddie sat on a bed next to Iris. Cisco was helping Caitlin set things up. When Barry was sitting on a bed Oliver went to sit besides Felicity. Joe stayed next to him. Barry didn’t think he could feel as much guilt as he did over being caught.

“I’m fine.” Barry murmured, eyes locked in the ground.

“You self-harmed. I don’t think that counts as being fine.” Stein stated dryly.

“I didn’t.” He felt himself begin shaking as tears started to fill his eyes once more, “I wanted to. I really did...but I didn’t. I _couldn’t_ but I couldn’t move it away either.”

“How long has this been going on?” Joe asked. Barry didn’t respond until a gentle hand on his arm had him looking up.

“We aren’t going to be mad Barry. When did this start?”

“After my dad’s verdict…”

“How long?” it was Oliver this time.

“I...It’s been a few months…” Iris took a sharp intake of air. Barry opened his mouth, wanting to say something, anything, but nothing came out. Before he could think of something to say a person practically tackled him. When they pulled back Barry was met with the worried gaze of Lisa. She took his face in her hands, her green eyes scanning his face.

“Are you okay? You didn’t actually do it did you? Why didn’t you call? I told you-”

“How did you know..?” Lisa rolled her eyes.

“Like we wouldn’t have the place bugged, unfortunately the video feed wasn’t working and don’t avoid my questions. Are you okay?”

“Y-”

“Bartholomew Henry Allen you better think twice before trying to lie to me.”

“...no…” The firm look melted away to a softer look as she pulled him into a hug. He didn’t even hesitate to return the hug, burying his face in her neck as he tried to steady his shaking breath. A heavy hand on his back told him Mick was there too. It was a relief. There was no doubt in Barry’s mind that everything was going to be okay.

“Why are two of Central Cities biggest criminals here comforting you?” Oliver asked and really Barry could just _hear_ the blood vessel that was about to burst. The tension was clear in the air but Lisa just ignored him. Mick shifted to take a clearly defensive stance behind Barry and Lisa, daring someone to try something. With a bit of a sniff Barry pulled back. Lisa ran a hand through his hair while he wiped his eyes.

“Better?” He just nodded.

“Did you butcher yourself?”

“No. I-I almost…” Barry’s breath caught as new tears began to blur his vision.

“It was against his wrist.” Felicity spoke for him.

“Did you draw any blood?” Barry shook his head frantically.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Lisa had one of his hands in hers while the other rested against a flushed cheek. Barry’s eyes were downcast in shame.

“Look at me.” Lisa urged, nudging his face back up, “I’m really proud of you.” Barry was so focused on Lisa he barely registered the fact that the others were leaving though some more reluctant than others.

“Barry you had the knife right there but you _didn’t_ do it.”

“But if Felicity-”

“You didn’t though.”

“Barry?” Lisa moved to the side, hand still holding Barry’s as Len quickly walked over. He crouched so that he was eye level with the other man.

“You had your phone off.” Barry’s eyes flickered downward once again, unable to meet those blue eyes.

“I was worried.” the confession was signed out as a hand ran through Barry’s hair, this one larger than Lisa’s but not as rough as Mick’s. Puffy red eyes looked back up at Len. Letting his eyes take in the older man’s appearance Barry blinked in slight awe. Len wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he _was_ concerned. Something twisted inside Barry when he made that realization. Without thinking he threw his arms around Len in a tight hug as the sudden urge to cry came back with full force. Arms wrapped around him firmly in return, just holding him. Hugging Len was different than anyone else he had hugged. Sure with the others there was the feeling of being cared about and comfort but being in Len’s arms made Barry feel _safe_. It had been a very long time since he felt that way.

“It’s going to be alright.” He heard Len murmur, “You almost relapsed, and it’s common for relapses to occur, but you didn’t. You’re doing really well.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Barry muttered dejectedly.

“I know. I know Barry but it will get easier. I won’t lie. The urge might never go away but it gets easier to ignore.” It was quiet for sometime. Lisa placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you doing better?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you ready for the interrogation?” Mick spoke up. Dread filled Barry at the notion of finally coming clean to the people who were basically his family.

“No.” Barry responded.

“We’ll be there with you Bear.” Lisa promised, “You aren’t getting rid of us that easily.”

“Come on.” Len urged. Reluctantly Barry pulled away, but Len didn’t go far. One arm was still wrapped firmly around him. Once again Lisa took his hand and Mick stayed behind them.

“Are you ready?” Taking a deep breath Barry nodded in response.

~  
~  
Licking his lips nervously Barry stared at the entrance way before him where he knew the others waited.

“Barry?” Lisa asked softly.

“I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“It’s going to be fine.” she soothed. Len began to guide the reluctant man into the room. Immediately Barry’s eyes found the ground. It occurred to him that he probably looked like the mess he felt like. He was still led as his nerves began to worsen. Feeling himself sitting on a couch Barry noticed Lisa sitting on his one side with Len in the other. Mick still stood behind them. Obviously if something went wrong Mick would be the first to react.

“Barry what’s going on?” Cisco was the one to finally break the silence. With a shaky breath Barry finally looked up, eyes locking onto Iris who seemed more composed.

“I lied. I hadn’t stopped.” It hurt to look into his sister’s eyes and see the devastated look in her eyes.

“But you did.” Oliver noted. Of course he would hear the underlying message.

“And how do they fit in?” Stein was the one to speak next. Joe was pinning Len down with a hard glare, jaw locked. It took Barry some time to remember that Len had his arm wrapped around him.

“Well it’s kind of hard to ignore walking in on someone with a knife in their arm.” Lisa supplied.

“It was that day I disappeared for a few hours and no one could contact me.” Barry admitted.

“You were with Rory and the Snarts?” Joe finally questioned.

“He wasn’t healing and as a result he passed out.” Len stated.

“What do you mean not healing?” Caitlin was looking at him in worry, ready to start running tests if needed.

“It was still bleeding by the time we got to our safe house and bandaged it so about twenty minutes?” Lisa thought aloud.

“It lasted twenty-eight minutes and sixteen seconds.” Despite everything Barry couldn’t stop the short laugh that escaped because that was such a Len thing to do.

“Of course you would have timed it.”

“And Dr. Snow hasn’t?” Len countered. Scrunching his nose a little Barry countered,

“Yeah but she’s my doctor. You’re just weird.”

“How deep was the cut?” Caitlin interrupted.

“Approximately 3 millimeters deep and four inches long. He admitted to not having eaten.”

“Hold on.” Oliver spoke up with his eyes locked and narrowed on the rogues, “Just how do you know how fast he’s supposed to heal?” Barry bit his lip as he averted his gaze.

“Well Snart threatened Cisco’s brother so that’s how he found out but I don’t know about the other two.” Joe was watching Barry, waiting for an answer.

“I told them.”

“You told your enemies who you are?” Oliver looked ready to strangle him and really Barry could do with not having that happen again.

“What made you do that?” Ronnie asked.

“Well Mick and Lisa would have found out eventually.” 

“You’re on a first name basis with them?” Oliver sounded so done and Joe didn’t look thrilled either.

“They’ve been helping.” Barry mumbled like a kid in trouble, eyes going back down as he played with his fingers.

“Helping?” Iris spoke up.

“We have a deal.” Len drawled.

“A-A deal? What-What sort of deal?” Felicity was getting a little frantic.

“Simple. We help him with getting a confession from Thawne and he contacts us if he has the urge, or does, self-harm.”

“Doesn’t sound like the sort of deals you make.” Joe’s tone had an underlying threat to it.

“We have our reasons.”

“Your wrists.” Felicity suddenly stated.

“What?” Iris turned, scanning Barry for any injury. With a slightly shaking hand Felicity pointed to Len.

“His wrists…” It was only then that Barry actually took notice of the clothes Len wore. The shirt was different than any other ones Len wore on the account that it was a button down but with short sleeves. The scars on his wrist were clear on view for everyone to see. To his credit Len didn’t let any discomfort show, he merely changed the direction of his wrist while raising a brow in question.

“What are your intentions?” Joe asked though it wasn’t nearly as harsh as it was originally.

“It doesn’t matter.” Len stated, “Lisa and Mick have grown attached to Barry.” Mick let out a scoffing laugh.

“And you haven’t?” Len shrugged at that.

“We’ve gone over this Mick.”

“Yeah but interesting doesn’t make you get here from the otherside of town in less then twenty minutes or forget to throw on something long sleeved.” Lisa teased. With a roll of the eyes Len turned back to the others there.

“Are there anymore questions?” Len questioned instead.

“None for you.” Oliver stated.

“Fair enough.” Lisa popped up and spun gracefully so that she was fully facing Barry. With a dramatic sigh she spoke,

“Guess we have to go. I better get a call from you tonight or I am breaking into your room again.” It was quiet as Len sighed.

“Do I want to even ask?”

“She won’t stop taking my hoodies. Between her and Iris I have, like, ten left.” Shaking his head Len stood up as well.

“I’ll make sure you get them back.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

“Are you both done mentally stripping each other?” Mick questioned. Barry felt his face burn in embarrassment as he choked on air. Len just gave Mick a leveled look before nodding towards the rest of the people there. A firm clap on the shoulder from a Mick had Barry jolting forward.

“Bye kid.”

“Bye babe!” Lisa called with a wink and a smirk towards Barry. Sinking more into his seat Barry stared at the floor.

“Bye.” he called back. Only once the three left that the nervousness really sink in. The silence that settled over the room was extremely awkward laced with worry and anger. When someone finally spoke Barry wasn’t sure if he should be happy that it momentarily directed the conversation away from the self-harm or worried about where it did direct the conversation.

“Sooo, Leonard Snart? That’s surprising.” While Joe’s glare momentarily left Barry to be directed at Eddie, Oliver’s glare had stayed firmly on him.

“You are in a relationship with your _enemy_?” The vigilante growled out. Immediately Barry held his hands up.

“Okay, hold on a second. We are _not_ in a relationship.”

“That blush says otherwise.” Ronnie piped up.

“Don’t think we aren’t going to be discussing the self-harm either.” Joe’s voice held no room for question. With a feeling of dread and nervousness Barry waited for the questions to begin. This was going to be a _long_ night.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was going to take place at the West house hold and Len was going to burst in and run up the stairs without paying any mind to the others who were downstairs since Mick and Lisa had already showed up and were comforting Barry. Maybe I'll write that as an alternative...
> 
> There was also a part where Oliver was just going to be so _done_ with finding out about Barry's relationship with the Rouges that he just ups and leaves the room.


End file.
